Crazy world history according to university students
I had the pleasure of teaching for many years after getting my MA and before joining the Foreign Service. At the Army/Navy Academy (a military boarding school) in Carlsbad, California, I taught grades 7-12. At the University of South Florida and the Florida Keys Community College, I taught mainly freshmen and sophomores. Later At the Stockholm School of Economics, I taught a full ranges of students. During those years, I became amazed at the things students could say and write, especially at the university level. I got in the habit of saving some of the most mind-numbing statements I ran across on exams, essays and term papers. For example, identifying the country of Africa or placing Spain on a map of South America and many, many more. I was planning to write a book about these mistakes one day. Alas, I was – as usual – “a day late and a dollar short,” as the idiom goes. This is the funniest book I’ve read in years! Hats off to Anders Hendriksson.
What it means
A quick definition might be in order. The American idiom “a day late and a dollar short” has been around for many years but isn’t heard much today. A day late and a dollar short is another way to say too little, too late. I was beat to the punch by Anders Henriksson in his absolutely hilarious book “Non Campus Mentis,” Latin for “not sane or in one’s right mind.” And he couldn’t have picked a better title. The following is a small sample from his excellent collection of bloopers and creative interpretations of history, not to mention numerous spelling mistakes, all of which were made at numerous American and Canadian universities. I’ll try to list them in chronological order. From here on, these are the words of university students verbatim unless otherwise indicated. All misspellings are the work of the students with the exception of the ones made by me.:). And here’s something to ponder as you read this: these statements were collected prior to 2001, which means the students that made them are now in their 40s and in mid-career. Let’s hope they have become wiser over the years.
Here we go
History, a record of things left behind by past generations, started in 1815. Thus, we should try to view historical times as the behind of the present. This gives insights into the anals of the past. Hindsight after all is caused by a lack of foresight. In the Stoned Age, people banged rocks together to find something to eat. Mankind made most advances during the intergalactic periods. Civilization woozed out of the Nile about 300,000 years ago. The Nile was a river that had water in it. Every year it would flood and irritate the land. The pyramids were large square triangles built in the desert. Eventually, the Egyptians drowned in the desert. Mesapatamia was squigged in a valley near the Eucaliptus river. Flooding was erotic. Babylon had Summarians, Acadians and Canadians. The Sumerien culture began about 3,500 years before Christmas.
Zorroastrologism was founded by Zorro. It is a duelist religion. Judyism was the first monolithic religion and had one big God named Yahoo. Moses was told by Jesus Christ to lead the people out of Egypt. The Book of Exodus describes all the amazing things that happened on it, including the Ten Commandments, various special effects and the building of the Suez Canal. Forty centuries later they arrived in Canada, the promised land of milk and chocolate. David was a fictional character in the Bible who fought with Gilgamesh while wearing a sling. Christianity was just another mystery cult until Jesus was born. The mother of Jesus was Mary, who was different from other women because of her immaculate contraption. Mary and Joseph went from inn to inn trying to find a place for Jesus to be born, but they were refused everywhere because they were Jewish. In Deism, God has no direct influence on daily life, but just watches like a movie, eating his candy and munching his popcorn.
Moving on in time
Greek semen ruled the Agean. Jason’s hunt for the Golden Fleas was myth. The Parthenonon was Pericles’ greatest erection. Alexander the Great conquered Persia, Egypt and Japan. Sadly, he died with no hairs. Pre-Socratics lived long before Plato and were not decisively influenced by his work. Socrates was sentenced to die of hemroyds. Pythagasaurus fathered the triangle and Archimedes made the first steamboat and power drill. Hannabelle crossed the Alps with a herd of eliphants and thus invaded Africa. Cesar said “I came, I saw, I went.” When he was assinated, he said “Me too, Brutus.” The entire city of Constantinople rose up with a tremendous ejaculation every time the emperor came. During the Dark Ages, it was mostly dark. During the Middle Ages, everyone was middle-aged.
In 1066, England was overrun by Norman the Conqueror. Margo Polo visited Kukla Kahn, who rained in China at the time. Escaped peseants could be free if they went to a city and hid there for 100 years and a day. Victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks, and death rates exceeded 100% in some towns. Merchants increased their profets by paying interest to people who borrowed money from them. Ferdinand and Isabella conquered Granola, a part of Spain now known as Mexico and the Gulf States. Magellan circumcised the globe. The Vikings had already sailed as far as Colorado, where several of their campsites can still be visited today. Calvin was born a generation after Luther and is seen as one of Luther’s greatest predecessors. He accepted all Luther’s ideas except that of birth.
Philip II later annoyed the Dutch by speaking to them in Spanish, a language he did not understand. It was the 18th century Enlightenment that contributed most to the 17th century. Most English believed in the missionary position. France was in a terrible state. Another problem was that France was full of French people. The industrial Revolution was slow at first due to the lack of factories. European nations had the raw materials to start an industrial revolution, but they did not have the knowledge to start a revolution and thus they were retarded. The Interstate highway system was built soon after the Civil War. The Transsiberian Railroad connected Europe to California. Girls were typically sent to finishing schools, where the point was to finish them off.
The Prussian army would surprise young men by grabbing them in unfair places. Gustav Adolf Hitler perched on the Swedish throan and looked droolingly at Germany. The Thirty Years War began with the defecation of Prague. East of the back of the beyond were the Russians, who knew nothing at all during this period. Peace was enforced by the Treaty of Uterus, which prevented the King of France from sitting on the Spanish thorn. Americans wanted no part in the French and Indian War because they didn’t want to fight in India. The Civil War began in 1830 and many soldiers repeatedly gave their lives for their country. The Russo-Japanese War exploded between Japan and Italy. In 1898, the Spanish-American War was fought between the United States and Mexico.
The five European-grade powers were England, France, Germany, Russia and Australia-Mongolia. Austria fought the Snerbs. Allies versed the Turks. The British used mostly Aztec troops to fight at Gallipoli. Italy joined the Allies, and this was useful because of their common border with Australia. The Treaty of Trianon cost Hungary more than six-fifths of its land. After the war, the great powers tried to cut military spending by building enormous navies. Adolf Hiler said, “you can fool all of the people all the time and some of the people some of the time.” Hitler’s instrumentality of terror was the Gespacho. The Russians defended Stalingrad fiercely, as the city was named after Lenin. The Allies landed near Italy’s toe and gradually advanced up her leg, where they hope to find Musalini. The French huddled up and threw sneers at the Germans. Japan boomed Pearl Harbor, the main base in southern California. American sailors watched in shock as the sky filled with Japanese zebras.
The USA and the USSR became global in power, but Europe remained incontinent. Israel was founded despite the protest of local Arabs known as Zionists. Wars fought in the 1950s and after include the Crimean War, Vietnam and the Six-Minute War. President Kennedy worked closely with the Russians to solve the Canadian Missile Crisis. East and West finally made mends with each other and the Berlin Mall was removed. One major source of conflict since WW II has been Israel’s relations with the Parisians. The Carter administration found itself face to face with this problem during the so-called Iranian Hostess Crisis. The Pershing Gulf War started when Satan Husane invaided Kiwi and Sandy Arabia. This was an act of premedication. Believe me when I say that this was just the tip of the iceberg in Hendriksson’s hilarious book. So, if you enjoyed this post make sure you get a copy of his book. https://www.amazon.com/Non-Campus-Mentis-AccordingStudents/dp/0761122745/ref=sr_1_fkmr1_1?dchild=1&keywords=Campus+non+mentas&qid=1618942315&s=books&sr=1-1-fkmr1.